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You've probably been here:
Staring at a constraint you didn't choose. A decision that came from above. A reality that isn't going to budge, no matter how right you are about why it should.
Your options feel like two bad choices: fight uselessly or accept defeat.
But there's a third option most experts miss. And it's not positive thinking. It's not pretending the situation is fine when it isn't.
It's changing the question you're asking.
I learned this after spending six months frustrated by a policy I couldn't change. I'd built the case. I'd escalated appropriately. I'd been right—and it didn't matter. The policy stayed.
I had a choice: keep being right and miserable, or ask a different question.
The moment I stopped asking "How do I change this?" and started asking "What becomes possible within this?"…everything shifted.
Not the situation.
My relationship to it.
Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.
Experts get stuck here a lot.
Because we were trained to solve problems. To analyze situations, find the flaw, and fix it.
That's a strength until it meets an immovable constraint.
When you can't fix it, your problem-solving brain doesn't know what to do. So it keeps running the same loop: This is wrong. This should change. Why won't they see it?
That loop feels productive. It isn't. It's just friction without movement.
I've been stuck in that loop. Many times.
You probably have too.
It's exhausting. Not because of the situation, but because of the mental resistance to something that isn't going to move.
Here's what I know: the situation isn't what's draining you. Your framing of it is.
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When you stay locked in resistance to what you can't change:
You miss what you can actually influence. Every minute spent fighting the immovable is a minute not spent on what could move.
You lose credibility. People stop listening to someone who keeps relitigating settled decisions. Even when you're right.
You burn out. Not from hard work, but from the gap between how things are and how you think they should be. That gap is exhausting to live in.
You stop seeing options. The frame "this is wrong and shouldn't be this way" closes down possibilities. Different frames open them up.
I've watched smart people become ineffective not because they lacked skill, but because they couldn't let go of how things should be long enough to work with how things are.
What Reframing Actually Means
Let me be clear about what I'm suggesting and what I'm not.
I'm not talking about toxic positivity. I'm not suggesting you pretend a bad situation is good, or that you should be grateful for constraints that are genuinely harmful.
I'm talking about recognizing that every situation can be viewed through multiple frames. And the frame you choose determines the options you see.
The frame "This policy is wrong and I can't change it" leads to: frustration, disengagement, learned helplessness.
The frame "Given this policy, what's the best move available?" leads to: action, adaptation, influence within constraints.
Same situation. Different question. Completely different possibilities.
This isn't about being positive. It's about being effective.
The SHIFT Method
Here's how to change your frame when you can't change your circumstances:
Gif by snl on Giphy
Let’s get it…
S — See the situation clearly
Before you can reframe, you have to see what's actually happening, separate from your story about it.
What are the facts? What's actually fixed versus what just feels fixed? What have you added through interpretation?
I find it helps to write it down. The facts only.
No editorializing. It's often shorter than the version in my head.
H — Honor your reaction
You're frustrated. Disappointed. Maybe angry. That's legitimate.
Don't skip past it. Suppressed reactions don't disappear. They leak out sideways or build up until they explode.
Acknowledge what you're feeling.
Then ask: Is this reaction serving me? Is it opening up options or closing them down?
I — Identify the question you're asking
This is where the leverage is.
What question are you unconsciously asking about this situation?
"Why is this happening to me?" leads somewhere different than "What does this make possible?"
"How do I make them see they're wrong?" leads somewhere different than "How do I succeed within this constraint?"
Name the question. Then ask: Is there a more useful one?
F — Find the new frame
Try on different perspectives:
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
How might someone I respect view this?
What does this make possible that wasn't possible before?
What can I control here, even if it's small?
How will I see this in five years?
You're not looking for the "right" frame.
You're looking for a frame that opens up action instead of closing it down.
T — Take one action from the new frame
A reframe that doesn't lead to action is just mental gymnastics.
From your new frame, what's one thing you can do? It doesn't have to be big. It just has to move.
Action reinforces the new frame.
Stuckness reinforces the old one.
The situations we can't change have power over us only to the extent that we stay locked in one way of seeing them.
LEVEL UP
AI Prompt: Your Reframe Finder
Copy, paste, and complete this in your favorite LLM:
I'm stuck in frustration about a situation I can't change. Help me find a more useful frame.
Here's the situation: [Describe it factually]
Here's how I've been thinking about it: [Your current frame/story]
Here's how it's affecting me: [Frustration, stuckness, etc.]
Help me:
1. Separate the facts from my interpretation. What's actually fixed vs. what I've added?
2. Identify the question I've been unconsciously asking about this situation
3. Generate five alternative questions I could ask instead
4. For each question, show me what possibilities it opens up
5. Suggest a frame that honors the difficulty while still enabling action
6. Identify one concrete action I could take from the new framePOLL
When You Face a Situation You Can't Change, What Happens?
- I keep mentally fighting it even when I know it won't move
- I struggle to see any alternative way to frame it
- I can reframe intellectually but still feel stuck emotionally
- I resist reframing because it feels like giving in
- I reframe fine until stress makes me revert to old patterns
- I've learned to shift my frame fairly quickly
CURATED ROUNDUP
What to Review This Week
Read: The Obstacle Is the Way by Ryan Holiday
Listen: Change Your Questions, Change Your Life, Business, and Coaching by Marilee Adams
In Case You Missed It!
When Reframing Feels Impossible
Sometimes a situation feels so wrong that reframing feels like betrayal. Like you're letting them win. Like you're abandoning your principles.
I've felt that. Here's what I've come to believe:
Reframing isn't surrender. It's strategy.
You can believe a situation is wrong and still work effectively within it. You can advocate for change and adapt to current reality. You can hold the tension between "this should be different" and "this is what I have to work with."
In fact, the people who actually change systems are usually the ones who learned to be effective within them first.
Credibility comes from results, and results require engaging with reality as it is.
Staying stuck in resistance doesn't change anything.
It just makes you less effective and less able to create change when the opportunity comes.
The Bottom Line
You can't always change your circumstances. But you can always change the question you're asking about them.
The frame you choose determines the options you see. A frame of resistance closes down possibilities. A frame of "given this, what's possible?" opens them up.
This isn't positive thinking.
It's strategic thinking.
And it's the difference between being stuck and finding a way forward.
When you can't change the situation, change the question.
Thanks for reading. Be easy!
Girvin
Your expertise gets you into the room. But your ability to connect without a script is what keeps you there. When you freeze, you don't just lose a conversation—you lose authority.
The Impromptu Communications Navigator is a complete toolkit for navigating the unscripted moments that define your career. Stop freezing. Start connecting.
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